Well, it's over now. One of the many reasons why I've dropped under the radar, or at least in terms of this blog. It's been traumatic, at times I felt like I wasn't gonna make it, that there wasn't light at the end of that dark, dark tunnel. But now, I see the light. I'm not out of it entirely yet, I won't kid myself. But as of now, I'm finally on the road to recovery.

Whatever trials and tribulations I've gone through these 6 months has shaped me up and changed my mentality to such an extent, I feel rejuvenated as a person and after a long, long time, my soul has finally afforded it's much needed rest from the drama of my then everyday life. I see the world in a whole new perspective. The break up taught me to take several steps back, away from civilisation, away from the bullshit the world can throw at me, that I may enjoy a few moments of solitude and tranquility while I enjoy a new vantage point of my life, thus enabling me to assess it and make much needed changes. 

It all started on the 17th of February. It was a lonely Friday night in. And she, of all people, when I least expected it, started talking to me on Facebook to ask me for help. Nothing much, was just about college and books and shit. Not like I had to bail her out of jail or anything like that. And I don't know how, we just ended up talking for 5 hours that night. First through chat, then invited me for a skype call. After that night, I woke up the next morning in love with someone new. 

So maybe it wasn't love. After about 3/4 weeks, it passed and we remained friends. But falling for her was the catalyst to my recovery, she unintentionally led me by the hand to the light, and from then on I've been happy. A huge weight had been lifted off my chest and my shoulders and I was breathing fresh air once more, for the first time in 3 years. I was finally free. Nothing could express my joy at the time. Everyday walking to college looking forward to a new day, playing football with Woodhouse FC and planning on a better season next year, and of course, the training sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I could run free of negative emotions. 

And now I'm free of the future I had planned with her, I am finally free to rewrite my own future. It was some time in April when I visited Rebecca up in Loughborough. Her uni was the top in sports science and I had the chance to tour the campus. Seeing the great facilities they had, it finally dawned on me: Medicine, is it really meant for me? Or is THIS meant for me? Running, athletics had always been a passion of mine. I had started coaching my very own athletes from the age of 16 and 3 years on, I can proudly say that my runners/ jumpers are making waves wherever they compete. It was then I started having doubts over my future. And the day came when one event tipped the balance: 26th of April. Red House won the trophy back home in WMS. After so many years of investing my time, energy, emotions, money... Revolutionizing our approach in athletics, setting an ideology that would remain in our heirachy to be passed on to future generations, scouting and hand picking the finest to train with me and develop their potential to compete and dominate their field... And after 3 years, our project had finally managed the end product. Assessing this success from all the way across the globe, I had finally made my mind. I would ditch the entire idea of medicine to take up sports science at university and at the same time, develop my own potential as a sprinter and an athlete in the hopes that, one day, I will run for Malaysia. 

It's not just the change in ambitions though. As a person, I've learnt to not let my emotions get the better of me. I've been more calm, more calculative under pressure and less trigger-happy with my anger. Even the way I dress. Yes, at times I'm still the guy who left KL, simple t-shirt with jeans with a pair of Converses. But these days, I've been adding colour to my wardrobe. Chinos, polo shirts, new trainers and plimsoles... And music too. I've been recently hit with a craze for house music. Swedish House Mafia, Alesso, Avicii, David Guetta, Calvin Harris, Deadmau5... Thank GOD it's not Bieber, 1 Direction, Lady Gaga, Niki Minaj or anything of the sort. 

And girls? Love? Well, that's the one thing I feel that has changed the most about me. It's affected my confidence when it comes to girls, as it has certainly affected my outlook on love. Did I really love Timur? Maybe. But what if I didn't? What if all 3 years spent with her was based on a lie that I was telling myself repeatedly, the lie being "I love Timur"? That's the most worrying thing I've had cross my mind. With my being less trigger happy with my emotions, I've also made it a point to be less quick to jump at the idea of loving a person. Sure, I'll definitely say there are some people I love right now. My brother, sister, cousin, my closest friends at home who keep in regular contact with me... But not when it comes to girls I guess. I've had ideas of who I might want to chance it on, with one girl in mind back in KL. But it would take some serious assessment to come to the conclusion that I love her. I just hope she hasn't forgotten me or the great friendship we had. But now, after 3 years, fuck love. I'm single and back on the market. Come summer, I will be on tings when I'm back in KL. Shit will get epic and I really can't wait. 

I've come a long way to come to this point of self realization. I've realized that there is so much in front of me, so much I can achieve. And I owe it all to the break up. The relationship was the inhibiting factor to what I could really grow up to be. I was bigger than the relationship and now that it's over, I can finally outgrow her. 

But first, I'm gonna have to work for that achievement. Back to square one. 

Bee, I miss you. I know we've been apart for a long time now. You've found someone new after I treated you in so many ways that you didn't deserve. And I guess I should wish you all the best. I love you but I don't know if I can let myself let you go. We've built our hopes and dreams up for 3 years, but we never knew we'd be building them on such shaky grounds. And I never did much to strengthen the foundations for those dreams. I looked too far ahead that I never looked at my current flaws, how I hurt you. Even now, I still plan things ahead for us, forgetting you're no longer mine to lose. Well, I've lost you. And no matter how hard I try, you're slipping away from me. I don't know if we can ever be together again to build these dreams back up again. It is my wish that we can. In my head, you're still mine to hold onto forever. And it's driving me crazy now, it's destroying me slowly. I'm sorry I failed you. This is all I deserve. 

I remembered how she loved me so much. One instant, when she sew my torn school trousers. She's an angel. Hope she enjoyed her Christmas. It was hard to enjoy mine without her. I love you, poopie. Please come back. 

Yesterday, Day 39, December 9. Would have been our 3rd year anniversary. Pretty bad day for me emotionally. Kept flashback-ing and realizing how much the relationship was so beautiful but at the same time, lacking so so much. Held onto the necklaces she gave me all day in my palm, closed my eyes every now and then during classes to bring me back to the times I brought her around Pavilion, BSC, KLCC... The stupid memories that made us laugh and now, make me cry. I've lost so much. I've lost a wife, the mother of my child, my daughter. But for as long as she's alive, I will fight to win her back, be it against myself or with everyone who tells me, "move on, Jeremy". We've had people doubt the relationship time and time again in the past but we've always made it through. And although times have been rather rough I still managed 90% in my physics test. 

It's her prom tonight. I miss how, during the build up to mine last year, she would be so worried about her dresses. I use to laugh at her over the phone at how she got so worked up over it. And when we went to Times Square to get my outfit as well, how she tried dressing me up like how a mother dresses her son. Now it's her time to shine. My beautiful baby can finally bloom. And I just wish that after all this, there's still room for me. And we can realize the broken dreams of a family, of Kara, of living here in peace and happiness.

I love you. Everyday I go on without you kills me inside, little by little. But for love, for our family, for Kara, I won't give up. I'll blow you kisses every night. 

Everything's going downhill. Losing motivation. Missing her even more. Regret surrounding my every thought. They say the darkest of the night is just before the dawn. I hope the dawn comes soon. I feel a meltdown coming soon. I keep thinking of joining our daughter soon. There's nothing left for me here, even her. She seems to be walking so far away. I've never gone through this before. And now I'm left with nothing. My daughter is waiting for me and I want to go to her. Time and time again I feel like taking a one way ticket to where she is and never come back. But then I feel God telling me to soldier on and continue fighting. It hurts to think that this family unit is broken, and not even joining each other in Heaven can reunite us. This whole family was what we talked about, what we dreamed of. And now I see the pieces of it everywhere. I want to have my daughter in my arms now. There's nothing left for me here. I want redemption.