Bee, I miss you. I know we've been apart for a long time now. You've found someone new after I treated you in so many ways that you didn't deserve. And I guess I should wish you all the best. I love you but I don't know if I can let myself let you go. We've built our hopes and dreams up for 3 years, but we never knew we'd be building them on such shaky grounds. And I never did much to strengthen the foundations for those dreams. I looked too far ahead that I never looked at my current flaws, how I hurt you. Even now, I still plan things ahead for us, forgetting you're no longer mine to lose. Well, I've lost you. And no matter how hard I try, you're slipping away from me. I don't know if we can ever be together again to build these dreams back up again. It is my wish that we can. In my head, you're still mine to hold onto forever. And it's driving me crazy now, it's destroying me slowly. I'm sorry I failed you. This is all I deserve. 

I remembered how she loved me so much. One instant, when she sew my torn school trousers. She's an angel. Hope she enjoyed her Christmas. It was hard to enjoy mine without her. I love you, poopie. Please come back. 

Yesterday, Day 39, December 9. Would have been our 3rd year anniversary. Pretty bad day for me emotionally. Kept flashback-ing and realizing how much the relationship was so beautiful but at the same time, lacking so so much. Held onto the necklaces she gave me all day in my palm, closed my eyes every now and then during classes to bring me back to the times I brought her around Pavilion, BSC, KLCC... The stupid memories that made us laugh and now, make me cry. I've lost so much. I've lost a wife, the mother of my child, my daughter. But for as long as she's alive, I will fight to win her back, be it against myself or with everyone who tells me, "move on, Jeremy". We've had people doubt the relationship time and time again in the past but we've always made it through. And although times have been rather rough I still managed 90% in my physics test. 

It's her prom tonight. I miss how, during the build up to mine last year, she would be so worried about her dresses. I use to laugh at her over the phone at how she got so worked up over it. And when we went to Times Square to get my outfit as well, how she tried dressing me up like how a mother dresses her son. Now it's her time to shine. My beautiful baby can finally bloom. And I just wish that after all this, there's still room for me. And we can realize the broken dreams of a family, of Kara, of living here in peace and happiness.

I love you. Everyday I go on without you kills me inside, little by little. But for love, for our family, for Kara, I won't give up. I'll blow you kisses every night. 

Everything's going downhill. Losing motivation. Missing her even more. Regret surrounding my every thought. They say the darkest of the night is just before the dawn. I hope the dawn comes soon. I feel a meltdown coming soon. I keep thinking of joining our daughter soon. There's nothing left for me here, even her. She seems to be walking so far away. I've never gone through this before. And now I'm left with nothing. My daughter is waiting for me and I want to go to her. Time and time again I feel like taking a one way ticket to where she is and never come back. But then I feel God telling me to soldier on and continue fighting. It hurts to think that this family unit is broken, and not even joining each other in Heaven can reunite us. This whole family was what we talked about, what we dreamed of. And now I see the pieces of it everywhere. I want to have my daughter in my arms now. There's nothing left for me here. I want redemption. 

Mood's been going uphill but in the last 2 days been going back down. Miss her terribly. But at least she's confident about the exams, which is good. Discipline has been improving, which is good. Hope to keep it that way.